The Lion, the Witch and the Cowboy
by Desmond Lockheart
Summary: John Marston discovers a rather strange wardrobe while looting.


It was about half-past midnight and John Marston had just ridden into Ridgewood Farm. He hitched his horse near his shed and placed his pack down by the straw bed. He fumbled through his pocket and pulled out his money bag, he noticed it was running a bit short for his shopping rounds tomorrow. He looked at his rather hungry horse, then back to his equally hungry stomach. John shoved the pouch into his pocket and walked over to the ranch house, looking around. Most of the ranchers were gone, sleeping or working out in the field. He walked over to the door, looking back every so often; then opened the window, climbing into the living room. He carefully closed the window and looked around in the dark atrium. Silence. He slowly crept upstairs and entered the third door on the right, knowing this to be the guest room, which was usually empty - because the people who owned the ranch never had guests. Marston was reminded of how much he hated the owners and felt a lot less bad as he rummaged through the dressers and cabinets. "Marilyn wouldn't even wave hello to me, that bitch! I bet she's a serial killer!" Marston said to himself, trying to convince his concious that stealing from these people was actually a good thing. "I swear they killed people, just look at the size of this house, it's growing!" Marston, again, convincing himself with infallible logic. He walked over to a large beautiful Victorian dresser and he opened it. Reaching inside, he felt around the shelves and pulled out a small case of jewels then pocketed it. Pulling away a large bundle of clothing hanging from a rack on the right, he looked for any larger items... Only to be met with a large burst of cold and a soft white light. Intrigued, Marston climbed into the closet.

When he emerged, Marston was met with a landscape of wintry wonder. Green pine trees topped with wisps of white snow covered the land. A bitter cold leapt against Marston's skin as he walked down the path in front of him. Marston, of course, didn't give a colossal shit. "What the hell!?" Marston angrily said, as he walked down the path, looking around, rather confused and disjointed. He was highly angry, so angry he didn't even know why he was angry. His rage-filled trek through the snowy path was cut short by a peculiar sight. A tall man on his knees was hovering over the corpse of what looked like a man dressed up as a goat. The man was holding something, and biting savagely into it. Marston slowly approached. "'Scuse me there, mister. Uh... Mister?" Covered in blood and with fiery eyes, the man in front of him turned around, holding a severed, gnawed arm. "Howdy there!" The man in front of him said with a massive grin. Marston looked at the arm, then back to the man, then at the goat dude, then back to the man, then back to the arm and finally at the man. "You know where I am?" Marston inquired. "Course I do!" The man said, staring at Marston. After a long period of silence, Marston looked around, then back to the man in front of him. Figuring this was going to take a while, he asked his name. "My names John Marston, and yours, partner?" The man in front of him ate the goat mans finger, swallowing it whole. "Oii! The second!" He said happily. "Nice to meet you Mr. Oii. Now, would you be so kind as to tell me where I am." Marston said, resting his hand on his revolver handle. "Can't." Oii said as he went back to feasting on the goat man in front of him. "And why not?" Marston posed. "Because I don't know.", Oii responded. "But you just said you knew.", "No I didn't." Marston starred at Oii. "But you just sai- You know what, sir, you have a nice day, enjoy your meal." Oii stopped and looked up. "Did you know I'm an eldritch abomination. AN ABOMINATION. They all laughed at me! But now they can't, because they're all DEAD. DEAD. DEAD!". Marston shook his head and turned back, "What the hell are you even talking about, mister?" Oii smiled and responded, "Nothing, could you help me out with something?". "No." Marston said bluntly. "I'll give you something in return." Oii retorted. "Like what?", "Information." Marston thought for a few seconds. "I'll bite, what do you want?". Oii stood up, letting out a loud belch, throwing the chewed up arm back on the goat mans corpse. "This here goat man is tasty, but I hear there's a frigid bitch up north that's even tastier, go and fetch her." Marston didn't know if this was a metaphor or not, but he looked at the goat man and knew deep down Oii was speaking literally. "Who is this lady?", "She is the queen." Oii responded. Marston chuckled, crossing his arms "Mister, we're a bit far from England." "No, no, of this realm!" "Ridgewood?" Oii let out a long, forced, unbelievable laugh. Marston responded with rolling his eyes. "How far north are we talking?" Marston asked. "Not too far, just keep going off in that direction, you'll see a massive ice castle." Marston nodded, pulling his hat down slightly on his head. "There ain't anythin' I can ride, is there?" They both simultaneously looked at the dead goat man. Marston started walking. "I'll go get her."

Marston pulled his coat closer to him, the cold started to get to him. As he trekked through the forest, tracking a glimpse of the ice castle in the distance, Marston sees a small brown creature scurry across the path in front of him. Marston moves into a crouch and slowly approaches it, slowly sliding his knife out of his sheath. The creature stopped and started moving something out of the snow. It was a beaver and Marston wanted it. As he approached, the beaver turned around. "Hello there!" Marston, fell backwards in shock. "What!? You can talk? What the hell!?" The beaver sat on his hind legs and smiled, a particularly odd gesture for an animal. Marston stood up and walked back a bit. "Of course I can, you silly man. It's nice to make your acquaintance, my name is Mr. Beaver, how-" The beaver was interrupted as a bullet ripped through his skull, splattering his head across the snow. Marston holstered his revolver and walked over to the corpse. "Damn, man, this cold is making me hear things." Marston got to his knees and jammed his knife into the small creatures body, slicing away the fur. "Stay put now, heh heh heh." After a few minutes of skinning the animal, Marston pulled the corpse over and built himself a fire. He rolled the fur up in a pack and sliced the meat away as the fire built up. After a while, Marston rested against a tree and ate the cooked meat, taking a swig from his canteen.

John sat against the tree, picking his teeth with his hat down. He wrapped his arms against him and sat back. Through the silence, a cracking noise came. Followed by a rustling and some whispers. Marston jolted up, grabbing his carbine. He loaded a round into the chamber by pulling the lever on the bottom of the gun. He looked around for the source of the noise. After a few minutes, the source revealed itself. An entire pack of wolves approached him, one of them stepped forward. The wolf spoke, "Hello human, I am Maugrim with the Narnian Secret Police, perhaps you've heard of me." The wolf said with a hissing tone. "Now I know I'm hearing things," Marston convinced himself. He raised his rifle and pointed it at the wolf. "Wolves don't talk, ya'll don't even have thumbs!" He fired a shot, to which the wolf jumped out of the way. Marston countered with cocking the lever and firing another round. At this point, the wolves started to attack, one jumped across Marston who dodged out of the way. "I'm going to kill you, friend!" Marston shouted as he fired, hitting one of the wolves in the head. It let out a yelp and slumped to the ground. Three wolves left, including Maugrim. Marston cocked the lever, firing two rounds at one of the wolves, none of them connected. He kept this up until his rounds were spent and one more wolf was killed. Two left. He dropped his repeater and pulled out his knife. Maugrim yelled for his underling to attack, retreating a bit. Marston held his ground, waiting for the wolf to lunge at him. When he did, Marston countered by grabbing the wolf by the throat and slamming it down to the snowy ground where he then jammed the knife 3 times into its throat. Marston stepped back, holding out his knife. "You wanna go too, wolf?" Marston realised he was taunting an animal, but the adrenaline didn't care who he was talking to. Maugrim stopped and started to laugh. "You humans are all the same, such pitiful creatures who only know death. We will rule these lands, and WIPE your plague of a species from the face of these lands, and I shall-" Much like Mr. Beaver, Marston chose not to listen to the animal, who in Marston's mind couldn't actually speak, and the fact the animal was speaking directly to Marston was irrefutable proof that the animal wasn't actually speaking to him seeing as animals can't talk and don't have thumbs, and shot Maugrim in the head. "If you're going to attack, attack, don't talk..." Marston put his revolver away and held his knife. "But ya'll can't talk, you're animals. Damn this cold!" Being absolutely certain that temperature can make you hear things that aren't actually there, he proceeded to skin every wolf in the area and pack them up; gathering his gear, and continuing on his journey.

After a few hours, Marston was warming up from the walk, and feeling a bit better from his dinner. He finally reached the castle courtyard, which was adorned in the statues of all kinds, statues that probably weren't actually statues, but not that Marston would care. He walked up to the gates and saw two men covered in ice. One of them turned and creaked. "None shall pass, in the name of the queen." Marston took this to heart and contemplated his next move, then just decided to stab the guard in the neck and shoot the one next to him several times. He entered the massive castle and walked down the nave, approaching the throne room. He stood in the centre of the room and looked on at the large, blue tinted woman sitting at the throne. She stood up. "Who dares trespass in MY domain." The queen said with a mighty voice. "Woman, I got a bone to pick with you! You're coming with me." The queen stared at the angry little human and started to laugh maniacally. "You dare face me?! You, you little worm of a man! You are nothing compared to MY power-" Like Mr. Beaver and Maugrim, the queen felt the cold hand of Marston's gun after talking way too god damn much. This time, the bullet only threw her down. In shock, she looked up. She started to panic as her legs were hit by a rope, to which Marston dragged her into the centre of the room. She screamed and yelled, as John began to hogtie her and drag her outside. "NO! How can this be? Please human, let me go!" The queen begged. "Can't do that, ma'am.". "I can give you something if you let me go, it'll be riches beyond your wildest dreams!" The queen continued to plead. "Nope.", "Anything, anything in the world you desire." Marston at that point stopped, he thought of having her get Edgar Ross to give his family back, but that was his own mission, and besides, dealing MORE with the FBI was the last thing Marston wanted to do. So he thought of something else. "Cattle, for my ranch." The queen was slightly confused, thinking he was talking about making money off it and using it to horde as much gold and wealth as he could possibly gain, for in her mind, this human wants nothing but money and power. "Yes, everything you ever wanted, unlimited power and wealth!" Of course in Marston's mind, he wanted to buy a couple of cows. Marston threw the frigid bitch to the ground and sliced her ropes. "Alright, where can I find the cattle?" The queen stood up, walking backwards. "Aslans camp has everything you need." She said nervously, "Oh good, I can buy a few boxes of ammo and some food. Which way?" The witch didn't really know what ammo was, but she pointed towards the east. A land she cannot go, but this human can. "Over in the east, past the reaches of my cold grasp." Marston walked off, not even looking back.

Many hours later, and two stops to break camp later, Marston finally reached warmer climate. He was relieved to finally be back to familiar climate. Though it started to feel a lot like Mexico, and with that logic, Marston determined he was in Mexico, instead of Narnia. Soon he found his way into a massive camp, with banners and flags adorning the tents all around. Determining this is Aslans camp, he started to walk around. He approached a person. "Er, Lo siento, hola, Qué tal, mi chiamo is John Marston. I'm looking to buy and trade cattle? Is this Aslans camp?" Marston was greeted by a confused look on the Caucasian face of the Mexican in front of him. When he heard Aslan, he pointed over towards a massive tent in the centre of the camp. He tipped his hat. "Nos vemos, Gracias." The man watched as Marston walked away, wondering what just happened to him. John approached the large tent and knocked on the plank holding up the tent to his right. "Scuse me there friend, Aslan, I'm here to do some trading with you, preferably cattle, but to be honest, I'm good with- HOLY JESUS!" Marston was interrupted by the sight of a massive lion stepping out of the tent. The majestic lion stood proudly in front of Marston. "Hello human, I am Aslan, rightful king of these lands." Marston couldn't hear him because he was too busy shouting to the people around him. "What are you people doing! Get out of here, there's a lion! A Lion! This is dangerous! Salir de aqui! Salir de aqui! Peligro, peligro! El Lion! El Lion!" He turned, seeing where the deadly beast was. Turns out the deadly beast was just standing there talking about 4 kids and how they have to fulfill a prophecy or some such shit. "...And it was said by the powers, that these 4 children would become the kings of these lands and-" Much like Mr. Beaver, Mougrim, the frigid ice bitch and now this giant lion, Marston answered this problem like he answers all other problems, but blowing a massive fucking hole in Aslans head. The mighty beast dropped to the ground in a heap. Marston put his gun away, slightly shaken. "And I thought bears were scary to hunt." He walked over to the once mighty king, his knife out. He kicked his head and got to his knees. "I have no problems with Mexicans, but this is ridiculous. Ya'll just can't keep a beast like this lying around your camp. There are kids here, too. You have to protect your kids! Now, ya'll are lucky I arrived before this beast could hurt any of you. I don't want to have some hurt kid on my conscious because I let you guys keep a lion as a pet." There was a orchestra of crying and screams of anguish as the horrified onlookers helplessly watched as Marston skinned their once great leader. "We're doomed, all we know is lost!" Marston ignored them, focusing on the creature in front of him. "Damn boy, what'ya been eatin'?" He said as he cut the first pelt off. Behind him, 6 people had killed themselves and their family, 4 tents were on fire and horde of Aslans former followers were running away from the camp. Looting, murder and arson was the game now. The world of Aslans followers was destroyed, perishing in a bout of flames and despair. Marson whistled a tune he used to sing Jack when he was a baby as he sliced down Aslans leg. A child was left crying with her dead and looted mother next to her, blood covering her face. Marston was thinking of Jack and Abigail now, and how much he missed them. A man held his dying wife in his arms, crying out to the sky in anguish. Marston felt a bit hungry and sliced a small portion of meat off Aslan for later. A man laid on the ground, gripping his entrails as he laid eviscerated from his once former friend turned psychopathic at the thought of losing all hope. Marston was finishing up as he moved to the tail, thinking about where he's going to buy some cattle. He then cut the last bits off. He got up and packed up the pelt, wiping his knife off. He proudly looked at the lion pelt and smiled "This'll fetch a mighty good price." He turned around and saw the chaos. "You know, I was going to buy some stuff here, but I ain't giving you people my business. I hope ya'll happy, you lost a customer today." Marston angrily stormed off out of the camp.

The next day, Marston arrived at the castle, kicking in the door as the new guards scurried away, choosing not to fuck with him. Marston had the lion fur draped over his shoulder. "Woman, you said they had cattle!" The witch stood up in fear, screaming out in anguish, she backed against the wall, her hands up. She looked at Marston then at the lion fur. "You have slain the lion!" She said in terror. "Yeah, and those people are insane for keeping one lying around. I saved all their lives today!" Marston said proudly. "I didn't know they would do that! Honest!" Marston looked confused. "Do what, not have cattle? Lady you said they had stuff like that. Instead, I get a bunch of rude Mexicans keeping a dangerous lion running around." The ice queen fell to her knees. "Please spare me, I can make you a king, we can make a deal! I can give you everything, just spare me!" Marston thought for a second. "A deal?" The queen nodded. "Yes."

Oii was yelling at the sky as he dry-humped the now festering corpse of the Faun. He wondered what happened to the Human that he met a few days ago. He stopped and stood up, pondering. Did the human succumb to the witches wrath and perish, or did he join forces with her, spreading the icy evil across the land. Or maybe he joined forces with Aslan and will lead the mighty armies of the once great king to destroy the mighty evil of the ice queen. Oii found this all very difficult to masturbate to, so he stopped. But when he turned his head, he saw on the horizon the human walking up the path. As he approached, Oii stood by a tree. "Mr, Marston, you have returned, have you done what I needed?" Oii inquired. Marston stopped, dropped a sack on the ground and kept moving, ignoring Oii. Marston walked back up the path towards the wardrobe. Oii walked over to the pack and pulled out the severed head of the ice queen. Oii looked at it, then at Marston, then walked over to a tree stump and set the head on it. He unzipped his pants and dropped them. "Just like when Grandma died!"

Marston stepped outside of the wardrobe, exiting into the Ridgewood guest room. He walked down the stairs and stopped as the house keeper walked into the room. She shouted when she saw Marston. "Mister Marston? What are you doing here?" Marston pointed upstairs. "I just came out of the closet." The housekeeper looked up. "I thought you were married." "I am, I just came from some wintry place. And Mexico, I got all this. Gonna go sell it." He exited the house, leaving the house keeper confused as his garbled speech. The next day Marston hitched his horse by the saloon and walked over towards the general store. He entered it and dropped the large pack of pelts on the counter. "Welcome to my store Mr. Marston, how can I, Heerrrbeerrt MOON help you?" Marston pulled out his money pouch. "I wanna sell all these." Herbert Moon looked them over and nodded with satisfaction. "Very good, where'd you get these?" "Mexico." Herbert Moon looked at the lion pelt. "Mr. Marston, what part of Mexico has lions?" Marston looked up and chuckled. "Friend, you wouldn't believe me if I told you."


End file.
